It’s been a while since I wrote in this little journal, but not much has really happened between me and Robert. A few days ago, I thought I was over him and I was a bit glad about that, simply because I would have nobody to think about as much and miss, and especially fight for. Just today, though, all of those feelings I have had for him all these months came tumbling down on me again, and I am back to loving and thinking about him even more.

Whenever I think about his sweet voice and his handsome face, I start to miss him a bunch and wonder what he’s doing and if he even thinks about me the way I do. I doubt it… but I wouldn’t be surprised if this were true. I hope he does think about me the least bit, though.

About 2 weeks ago, he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him and I agreed to. I told him I would be available to watch around 9, and so he waited. Unfortunately, there was about a 2 hour delay and by the time I got back to talk to him, he was still waiting for me. I felt horrible for not being on time.

One of the messages he sent me was, “1 hr and a half… you are worth something” and it made me wonder if he really meant that or if he was being sarcastic. It kinda made me sad because it seems like I was always worthless to him. After I called him, he scolded at me for a bit, told me that he doesn’t like me, he didn’t want to talk to me anymore, and how I made him want to spill his guts out. While we were watching Futurama, I started crying a little. I felt so ashamed of myself for being such an idiot and making him feel that way. I wondered what he thought about me at that time as well. I still remember how furious he was at me, and I hope to not upset him again.

A few weeks ago, I was messaging him at night and I took a while to reply to him, and he asked me if we wanted to talk- which I agreed to (as always). A couple minutes later, I still continued to delay on replying, and he became very upset and stopped talking to me for a week. He did leave a message inbetween the week, but I was not on to respond on time. I continued leaving messages for him, hoping that he would respond, but it never happened. I began to feel very anxious: wondering if he has found someone else or trying to see how long he can stand ignoring me. That night, I began crying for a while and started feeling hopeful again.

The next day, he finally messagdd me. Sometimes, I wonder if he has a crystal ball that he looks into to see what I do. I hope he does.

I have also been having many dreams about him for the past month. Not many of them are good or bad dreams either. I wish they were good dreams though, because it would make me feel better that they might happen. I have never had so many dreams about someone in my life. If I counted all of the dreams I have had about Robert, I probably had about 17 dreams about him. I guess I could say he is my dream guy, hehe.

Well, it’s been a long day and lately I’ve been thinking a little bit about Robert. I still daydream about the future I plan to have with him, but I feel that my affections are slowly fading away for him. It makes me really sad, but maybe it’s for the best. He still has his own life to fulfill and women much better than me to seek out, and I know I can’t compete with that. Robbie deserves all the greatest things life has to offer, and I hope that whoever he chooses to be with forever will make him the happiest he can be.

I don’t want to let go of him, and I never planned to, but somehow it feels like the time has come and I have to accept that. Even if I continue to refuse it, I’d only keep feeding the fire of my hopes and dreams for nothing.

I’ll just keep hoping and hoping from time to time that we can be together forever some day, and if him and I are meant to be, then it’s both our happy endings. If not, he was definitely worth the try, and our memories were the best I could ever cherish. 

I love him very much, and all I want is for him to be happy for the rest of his life- even if it’s not with me. 

It’s been a couple of days since we last talked, but he drops a message to me from time to time. He seems to be busy with real life just as much as me, and I sometimes wonder how we will manage to spend time together anymore since I’ll be too busy with school.

I just hope no matter what situations we go through, we’ll end up together some day. If not, I did my best to be there for him and give him all of me and I’ll never regret anything I’ve given and have done for him.

I’ve been having a lot of dreams about Robert lately. I remembered the first one that I had 2 days ago was a good dream- I couldn’t remember what happened exactly, but all I know was that it was a really lovely dream. I woke up shortly after, and fell back asleep to have another dream about him where we met at a buffet and he was sitting across from a table staring at me. It was a breathtaking moment and I cherish it very dearly. 

Another dream I had when I woke up this morning was that his mother told me that I couldn’t talk to him or hang out with him anymore, because I was a bad influence for him. I remembered clearly how I felt when she coldly said no when I asked her if me and him could talk and hang out. Gosh, I wish that won’t ever happen in real life! Later in that dream, I told Robert that his mom forbid me to talk to him and hang out with him, and he kept asking me why I couldn’t. She wasn’t very nice to me in the dream. I felt very sad.

There was another dream I remembered where I could teleport anywhere in the world, but I regretted not teleporting to Sweden because I had used up my teleportation chances. I was very angry in my dream. 

Anyway, all of these things are just from what I always hope for some day. I really wish I could teleport anywhere though- that would be cool. Visiting him would be my first choice. 

I feel a bit sad because it feels like we are slowly drifting away from each other, and I don’t like that. I don’t want to show how clingy I am by always messaging him, although I wish he wouldn’t get annoyed of me if I ever did that. I just wonder where he runs off to when he stops replying to me or doesn’t talk to me. I wonder if he has dreams about me like I do with him. 

I hope things will go back to normal again some day. I miss all the attention he used to give me when he really showed how much he liked me.